When you find yourself seeking deeply, it touches your heart in such a way that can so often press down on your heart and squeeze water from the eyes. Although it may look like we live fulfilling lives to some ( and some will think otherwise) Every single one is seeking something intangible. that desire can turn into emptiness. Emptiness is all (that) space with no bounds.
I live alone with my two daughters Lola and Stella. They are 14 and 17 respectively. We live on a ¼ acre of land within the city of Portland. They love being city dwellers, but they were born in the country. Both home births and I thought we would live the homesteading life farming, milking goats, and raising chickens. When my marriage fell apart and it was evident that teaching yoga was my calling, the best choice seemed to be to move to a city where I could make a meager living teaching. I have been singing and intuitively musical and creative since I was a child. I sing daily, play the harmonium, drums. I am artistic and innovative in the rudiments of life. I am not a single focused artist. My home is my art, my life. Any fix or repair needed in my life is held up and repaired by glitter and duck tape, colored string, and dust bunnies. I have desires to adventure in the world in the name of service, assisting in what ever way I can, find the stars I did not know I was following as the great poet, David Whyte says.
My daughters are expressive, capable, inquisitive, and wise. I try to support them in every way that I can, but it is a daunting home is more than satisfying with warmth and character. (not so much warmth right now in the cold winter.) a sweet plot of land with goats and chickens and a garden and the biggest fig tree I have ever seen. To be responsible for this small plot of earth overwhelms me. No one ever taught me how to deal with financials so I flounder in the shallow end and think I can't swim, even though I could stand easily if I paid attention.
Beautiful questions and wise insights flow through me, and I am so humbled and fortunate to have a place to open up in that way, yet still even through all the devotion and effort I stand alone and feel like a child lost.
Tomorrow I may wake and turn my head a little bit this way instead of that. I will see it in a different light perhaps with more clarity or the fog may be thick. Either way it is the conflict that assists us towards harmony as our teachers guide us and we evolve into the one with all the teachers within. we learn to be our own teacher. Like Rumi said, “You are not a drop of the ocean, you are the entire ocean in a drop.”